Tomorrow is the first day of school. I am now a junior in college. Wow.
I know something big is soon happening. I can feel it. God is preparing me for something absolutely amazing. I have no idea what it is, but I know it is coming. And "soon" can mean not for another ten years for all I know, but I feel like it's coming much, much sooner than that. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next year. Only He knows, and I'll know when I'm ready to know. I just know something big is coming.
"Lord, this desert is killing me/And my throat's dry from screaming Your name"
I was feeling like this for a very long time. But I know God is with me. He is there, He is absolutley amazing and incredible, and He knows my name. Me. Such a small, small part, but still a part of the plan. Precious. A precious jewel.
I learned yesterday that life is for serving others. Xaris said to me that people learn two things in college: to serve and minister, and that life is not about them. I read this in a book that same day:
"I don't believe the purpose of life is to be happy. It's to serve. It's to be useful."
I always knew I want more than anything to serve others and to help others, but I never felt... "ready" is not quite the right word, because I have always been ready and willing, but "ready" in the sense that I am starting the work God has planned for me. Does this make sense? I would give anyone the shirt off my back, absolutely. But now God is going to point me in His direction. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." These are my life verses. The concept I learned early. The idea is fantastic, putting it into practice is harder. It takes a lifetime to learn how.
Two people have asked me this week what I am looking forward to this semester. I answered both of them with "to become the woman God created me to be." I hope they both understood what I meant. Yes, it takes a lifetime. But I feel closer now, at this moment, than I ever have in my life. The only catch is, who is going to notice? No one, except for the Lord, and He is who really matters. But even a small amount of encouragement is nice. Appreciated. Occasionally even necessary. But only He knows the progress I have made. I have changed so much in such a short period of time.
My life is divided into pre-NYU and NYU. Pre-NYU I was someone, and then I found Jesus. Someone gave me the best advice that summer before college: Find Christian friends. And I did. And I love them more than they can know. But who I am now is not who I was. And I know only the Lord could possibly have caused such an amazing transformation. But I want Him to continue to transform me. Constantly growing, seeking Him. I long for nothing more than to be absolutely intimate with my Creator. To love Jesus with my whole heart. And not be like Amaziah, who "did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, but not with a whole heart." I never want to hold back what belongs to Him.
And by opening up to the Lord, by breaking down every boundary, every roadblock, every barrier I have guarded myself with, I am completely wide open. Completely open with everyone I meet, friend or foe. My heart may break every day, but He will restore me and heal me every moment of every day, as long as I ask Him to. I would rather my heart be broken than closed off. Kind of like this quote from The English Patient: "Every night I cut out my heart. But in the morning it was full again." I want people to see someone real, not a mask.
"Yesterday I found/That everything I knew was wrong/It was upside down/The life I thought I had was gone/But You came and whispered love to me/And You gave me strength to carry on"
That's how I feel my walk with Christ started. It was both a process and a bolt of lightning. I never turned to Jesus because I was afraid of Hell. I turned to Him because I wanted to know Him, because I knew I needed Him, because I realized how much He loved me and had a plan and a purpose for my life. I remember the various moments when I received a piece of the puzzle, and I remember when I finally put them together. I'm still adding pieces all the time, but the center of salvation is put together. "I've been saved!" Amen, Hallelujah, praise the Lord!
I feel I have only a small amount of wisdom gained, yet I want nothing more than to tell everyone I know, to share it with all who have ears to hear. I say it, but I don't know if anyone is listening. I know there have been plenty of times where I have heard a pearl of wisdom, and either not understood or ignored it, thinking to myself, "I've got this." Then I looked back and realized it was sort of a preview of coming attractions.
"Only You can take this heart/Only You can take this mind/Only You can take this life"
This is an incredibly deep and personally journal entry. But I needed to get it all out. I am still joyous and happy, believe me. But I feel the need to post what's on my heart every now and then :)
Tonight's quote for the day is also from The English Patient:
"In Italy, there's always chickens, but no eggs. In Africa there's eggs, but never chickens. Who separated them?"