Navigators Winter Conference. Singing Hills, Plainfield, NH.
God is beyond amazing. His name is like honey on my lips. He was, He is, He's always gonna be. His is too incredible for words. He is indescribable. He is awesome.
My first ever retreat was exactly two years ago, February 2006, Singing Hills, Plainfield, NH. Looking back to where I was then and where I am now... incredible. God has begun a good work in me, and He will bring it to completion. He will.
Sunday night was a mountain top experience. It truly was. God was just there. His presence was amazing. So much so that all I think to myself is "Now what?" How then shall I live? Xaris said something to me tonight. She said we have to come down from the mountain in order to minister and be a blessing to others. After His Resurrection, He came down from the mountain to tell everyone what miracle had just happened. He chose to return to us, to share with us. I realize now how much I had always sought that spiritual high in order to feel God's presence, to know He was close, to bask in His glory. That's exactly how it was two years ago. I wanted that spiritual high for myself. Not to share, but to experience and to feel. Now things are different. I will always seek God, but what good does that do me if I don't share Him with others? What good does a spiritual high to me if nothing transpires from it? I am an open vessel seeking only to pour myself out to others. I want to give and to serve as so many others have given to me and served me.
I feel like I have so much to say but I can't articulate it. My mind is a jumble of thoughts and ideas and just... it's just going and going right now. I need to study for Irish, but I just feel like this is too important to put off. I can't be too busy to write. I need to do this more often.
I absolutely love John Dufresne. He is such a beautiful writer. In Love Warps the Mind a Little he writes "But if you have to attempt love, can you be in love?" I remember being in 9th grade English class and discussing the question "Do you believe in love at first sight?" I said, yes, of course. You just know. Your heart tells you. I remember other people in the class saying no, there is only lust at first sight. Destiney was in that class, and I remember her saying "Love is something you have to work at." I remember thinking no way, that's not true. Well, like so many things Destiney has said, once I believed her false, now I know she was speaking the truth. Love is something you work at. Sorry Mr. Dufresne. I think that attempting love is a sign that you are in love. Why else would you work at it? I still believe in love at first sight, but I no longer view it as some kind of feeling. It is so much deeper than that.
The week leading up to Winter Conference I had not had a quiet time all week. Too busy, yeah yeah. I could tell, I just knew, that God wanted to open Himself up to me so much at the beginning of the weekend, but I wasn't ready for Him. I couldn't handle it. Stasi Eldredge says the same thing in Captivating. It takes practice to meet with God. We have to open ourselves up to Him. He's not shy, but He will never give us more than we can handle. That goes with both trials and difficulties as well as Himself, I think so at least. I think Dogma got it right when humans died if they heard God's true voice.
People say things all the time that I view as so incredibly significant and wise. It's usually just a sentence or a phrase, some kind of offhand comment, but my world stops when I hear these tidbits of truth. Like:
"I wanted to make sure this was God's desire and not my desire."
"It's impossible to want people to love me and to love Christ - that's not the goal or how it works."
"I was so afraid of throwing myself into the work God had given me that I would forget who I was serving and that it was God who had given it to me."
"I can't wait for the perfect time to meet with God because that time will never come. Any moment is the perfect time."
"being satisfied in Christ"
"washed in the blood of the Lamb"
"You can ask God to help you have faith. I can know something and still need help really knowing something."
"Everyone breaks sophomore or junior year."
"Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less."
"Jesus loves you, and He has a plan and a purpose for your life."
"Lucky? Are you really saved?"
"He is kneeling down right now, too."
"God gave you talents. If you don't know what to do, just develop those talents. God may not tell you what to do until the day of your graduation."
"Maybe God doesn't want you to go to law school. Maybe he just wants you to meet someone in the history department."
"It's not about you."
"You need to ask God to erase it from your heart."
"What am I good at? What do I enjoy? This is 90% of the will of God."
"God is the only One who chose to die. Others have chosen how, when or under what circumstances to die, but no one else has ever chosen to die."
"It's our choice to give up our choices."
"Hope is nothing of this world, not even the Rapture. Hope is Jesus' coming."
"Is my relationship and ideas with God based on the Holy Spirit moving in my life or is it based on what someone else told me?"
"our strongholds buried deep in our hearts"
"God cares about those things."
And this is just a sample. Wow. So many people have ministered to me, and I long to minister to others.
Now I really need to study Irish. I have no idea what this journal entry says. But here it is.
Quote for the day is:
"Truth does not blush."